woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
