this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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