Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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