im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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