a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Come on in and take your pants off
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