Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
It was confusing and full of hummus
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
