I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My dick has a subreddit
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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