and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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