got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
we're making bets on your personal life
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
