Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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