saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
