You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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