i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
