hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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