shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Semen is not good for contacts.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
