hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
