oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
