Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
