she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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