even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
