a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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