I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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