I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
