if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
