I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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