He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
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His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
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There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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