This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
