Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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