she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
