i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
COCAINE IS GR8
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
