When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
