omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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