my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
