dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
