We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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