I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It's rum buckets o'clock
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
