if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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