forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
