she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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