Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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