he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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