I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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