i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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