i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
