While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
