Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
