I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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