she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
