I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You made out with two different species that night
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
