Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
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she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
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you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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