She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
