my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The adults are the big ones right?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
