I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
