I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
