you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
