Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
This is the prime rib incident all over again
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
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