and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
