I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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