i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
