my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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