She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
