Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
