Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
