im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
