she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
