i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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